is that you will be permanently paralyzed with fear, irrational (and occasionally very rational) anxieties, and guilt – all of which will rule your days and determine not only your parenting methodologies but also your “messaging” to your child.
Last night was one of the worst nights of my life, all due to a water bug. When “monkey” saw a water bug during the day, she was petrified but quickly recovered from her shock and continued happily playing in the house. Unfortunately, she woke up around midnight screaming that she saw it again and proceeded to imagine bugs crawling up her arms and furniture until this morning. That’s right, she did not stop. She mercilessly self-inflected the worst panic and pain for about 8 hours straight. After sleeping for a few restless hours in the morning, she then woke up and still had periodic episodes of utter fear and imagination of bugs crawling on her iPad and/or floors.
Did I panic as well? Absolutely. Watching my child in such agony and fear broke my heart and continues to break as I sit in my dark office, unsuccessfully attempting to concentrate on work, and think of my little angel and how I can make her feel better. I also fear the night, fear that she will not want to lay down on the bed or in her crib and that she will spend yet another sleepless night in sheer panic.
What nobody tells you about motherhood is that it will jolt you into an utter breakdown of all emotional barriers and restrictions into a full love bloom, while also layering and burying you in pits of dark fears. It’s indescribable, the joy and the pain. It’s not anything that I would trade and I see my miracle as that, a miracle and a thunder of love which stroke me unexpectedly and oh so very strongly.
Yet, I fear all the time and struggle to figure out a way to manage all of the raw feelings day to day.
This morning, the only thing which temporarily calmed my mind was the viral video of Equinox’s Briohny Smyth’s yoga routine….. I year to be in such peace again and need your prayers for this evening.